Overcoming Loss: Lessons from Research on Bereavement

Print

Email a Friend

By Bruce Campbell

If you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or fibromyalgia, you are probably all too familiar with loss and its emotional companion, grief. Losses brought by CFS and FM include loss of health, loss of friends and loss of valued activities and roles. You may have been forced to give up your job and so lose income, companionship and the identity that comes from work.

People with CFS and FM often suspend or abandon their dreams, thus losing the future they had envisioned for themselves. Many say they experienced the loss of the person they used to be and the person they had hoped to become.

Recent findings on how people work through the loss of a loved one offer ideas that apply also to the grieving triggered by CFS and FM. George Bonanno presents an overview of this research in his book The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss.

The research on bereavement suggests that people grieving the loss of a loved one oscillate between periods of sadness and a focus on practical tasks. During times of sadness, the person focuses on some aspect of her loss. In the second, the person "goes beyond the loss to focus on the tasks and demands of life without the deceased," says Bonanno.

People in our self-help groups have observed a similar oscillation and some have put limits on their times of sadness. For example, they might allow themselves a period of time each day for grieving, typically 15 minutes to half an hour. During this time, they might write in a journal or cry, but at the end of the period they immerse themselves in activity or list things they are grateful for.

Research has found that those people who are able to laugh and smile at times when discussing their loss coped better than those who didn't. The researchers hypothesize that laughter offers a temporary respite from the pain of loss and also makes others' lives easier during a difficult time.

"It is not easy to be around someone who is grieving. But it is less taxing when that person is able to experience or express a genuine positive emotion," Bonanno writes.
 

Sources of Comfort

Bonanno identifies two factors that give people who are resilient some comfort during grief. One is remembering the person who has died. They accept the finality of loss, but at the same time are able to find comfort in memories of the loved one.

He writes, "they know their loved one is gone, but when they think and talk about the deceased, they find that they haven't lost everything. They can still call to mind and find joy in the positive shared experiences."

We see something similar in some people in our program. In the words of one person, they are able to accept that their life has changed and they need to live differently, perhaps for the rest of their life. At the same time, however, they are able to keep a connection to positive aspects of their personality that remain, such as adaptability, determination and strength in adversity.

A second aspect that gives comfort to the bereaved is being listened to. We see this frequently in our groups, when people say things like "it's so good to be with people who understand what I'm going through." Family, friends and therapists can also play that role.
 

Successful Bereavement

The study of bereavement suggests that there are several factors that are associated with a positive response to the loss of a loved one. People who cope well usually have a number of factors in their favor, such as better than average finances, more education, fewer stressors and good health. We see a similar pattern in people with CFS and FM; some people have more favorable circumstances when they become ill.

But there are other factors that predict a positive adjustment to bereavement that involve the use of skills. For example, having or developing a support network is a predictor of a successful bereavement. Other factors that promote a positive response to loss include the ability to avoid rumination, having a flexible coping style, responding to life with optimism and developing confidence.

Limiting rumination means learning to shift attention away from grief at times when thinking about loss is no longer productive. Flexibility means the ability to adjust coping strategies to different situations. Optimism involves the conviction that things will turn out OK and that the individual can exert some control. All these are skills can be learned.

Flexibility with CFS and FM means recognizing that chronic illness requires a different approach than acute illness, one that emphasizes adapting to limits and taking responsibility through using pacing, stress management and other lifestyle adjustments. Optimism means the conviction that, even if a condition is likely to be long-term, it will be possible to affect the outcome to some degree. (See the article Optimism, Hope and Control.)

Resilient people are able to see benefits in their experience. A bereaved person might say "I never knew I could be so strong" or "my loss helped me focus on what is really important." We hear similar sentiments from people in our groups. They acknowledge their losses but also say things like "the new me is a kinder, gentler and more caring person."
 

If You Feel Stuck in Grief

While most bereaved people are resilient and bounce back from their loss on their own, some get stuck in grief and may be helped with therapy. The counseling may involve telling their story of loss, with the therapist sometimes helping the person to reframe her experience in a more accurate and positive way. The therapist can also help the person to develop new goals and re-engage with life.

We sometimes see similar grief reactions in people in our program, who may dwell on their losses and experience a sense of helplessness. Sometimes being in a group with other people who have CFS and FM is enough to inspire a fresh view of their situation.

Feeling understood and having models of success adjustment provides the motivation to create a new life. At other times, however, the individual attention provided by professional help can be crucial.

We also see people come out the other side of grief, accepting their new life and energized by new opportunities. As one person in our program said, "my life now is better than it was before I got sick; the positives far outweigh the negatives."