Reducing Stress by Lessening Worry

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By Kate Morgan

Note: Kate is a ME/CFS and fFibromyalgia patient from Toronto, who worked at a high school at the time this article was written. She joined our program in 2014.

I had managed to simplify my life, set up routines, take regular rest breaks daily, and manage my stress to the point where I had improved to having about 50% of my days being fairly good.

Then all of a sudden, I slid into a full-blown crash. So I asked myself what had changed? This article is about what I learned from exploring that question.

Worry, Self-Talk and Stress

The first thing I realized was that I had been worrying about an upcoming event: having houseguests for three weeks. My self-talk quickly got out of control. I asked myself:

How will I cope?
What will they expect of me?
Will they understand I'm ill?
Will they make stupid comments like "you don't look ill"
Will they think I'm rude and ruining their vacation?
Will my supportive family still be supportive or will they look at me differently based on what the guests say?
Will the guests wear smelly stuff that I react to?
Will they be loud and not understand my need to avoid so much stimuli?

That’s not all. It got to the point I was having arguments in my head with the guests, and they hadn't even arrived!

It’s probably not a surprise that my worry-filled self-talk had gotten me so worn out and stressed that I crashed.

Strategies

At that point, I reread a part of one of Toni Bernhard’s books, which reminded me about simplicity and mindfulness. Everything is impermanent; all that exists is the current moment and how I respond to that it.

I told myself, “In this moment, I can breathe, I can rest. I can say ‘stop!’ when the self-talk starts up. I can laugh when I see myself arguing with people that aren't even in my country yet, let alone in the same room with me. I can stop fighting with myself. I can stop borrowing trouble. I can rest, laugh and recover.”

Then I took some practical steps in preparation for the visit. First, inspired by the article about the woman with CFS who talked to her friend about making his visits manageable, I emailed the guests.

I wrote them not to bring any perfumes, colognes, scented lotions, shampoos etc. I also included part of my logging book, which outlined my routines for a "good day," highlighting the number of rest breaks I require.

I stressed that even on a good day, I might have to take extra rests and that I can usually only socialize for about 30 minutes before needing at least an hour rest.

Further, I wrote, I always struggle until mid afternoon and that we would stock up the kitchen if they could provide us with a list of food items they would like for breakfast and lunch, so that they could manage those meals for themselves. Dinner would be prepared by my partner and I would join them on my “good days”.

To emphasize that they would be largely on their own while visiting, I provided pamphlets on city sightseeing ideas as well as the local transit map.

As soon as I sent off the email, I experienced a sense of great relief. My self-talk calmed down, and I began to relax.

The visit went off with little stress. Our friends got to spend lots of time with my partner and extended family and I joined in when I could. I experienced no flare ups or crashes either during or after the visit, though I scheduled a low activity week after they left to ensure that I remained stable.

Reducing Stress From Another Source

Shortly after the houseguests left, I had another experience of worry-induced stress. In this case, I felt stressed by something you’d think would make me happy: feeling better.

When I recognized that I was able to do a bit more without intensifying my symptoms, I felt terrified that I would do too much and trigger a severe relapse.

I also realized that I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was feeling better because I didn’t feel prepared to deal with all that might come with that: higher expectations from people, specifically the expectation that I could return to working full hours rather than my reduced schedule.

Then I realized that worrying about the expectations from other people was a form of self-imposed stress. Just recognizing that it was my self-talk that created the stress, not other people’s behavior, was a big relief.

And it turned out that I received support from others, who said things like “it’s good that you’re doing better, but don’t rush anything; you don’t want to get worse.” So my worries were unfounded.

Second, in addition to recognizing that much of the stress was due to self-talk, I recommitted myself to doing several self-management strategies for stress reduction:

1. Give myself a daily reminder: Feeling good is dangerous for people with CFS, so I’ll only do 50% of what I think I can each day.

2. Stick to my three 20-minute rest breaks daily, especially when my brain says I don't need them.

3. Keep logging and viewing my weekly schedule in advance to make sure I book in at least two full rest days per week and don't overbook appointments.

4. Meditate twice a day

5. Check in all day to monitor my breathing so I keep it deep and slow.

Update

Several months have passed since the events I described above and I am still seeing improvement. Most significantly I got through the first two months of school without a crash, the first time since my major CFS/fibro relapse four years ago I have managed to do that.

I have occasional mild to moderate flare ups, but I recover quite quickly now with just a day or two of extra rest. This is a big improvement and a change that makes me hopeful for the future.