Strengthening Intimacy: Six Strategies That Help
By Bruce Campbell
CFS and FM have widespread effects, touching many parts of life. How do they affect sexuality? When we asked that in our discussions groups, all those who responded said that illness had reduced their sexual activity, but most also described how they had adapted this part of their lives to the limits imposed by illness.
Illness & Sex
All those who wrote said that they had either reduced their sexual expression or given up sex. As one person wrote, lack of intimacy was "another side effect of being ill." Many people mentioned having a much lower level of sexual desire than before. Causes of reduced libido included ongoing fatigue and pain, and the side effects of medications.
As one said, "I was unable to be interested when I was so tired I could hardly stay awake and in so much pain that I could think of nothing else but how I could control it."
Other causes of sexual problems included the effects of menopause, relationship strains, and the medical problems and/or impotence of their partner.
Six Strategies That Help
Most also reported using a variety of strategies that have either enabled them to adapt their sexual life to their illness or to connect with their partner in other ways.
1) Talking
Reduced sexual activity is a frequent source of strain in relationships, but good communication can help. Several people reported that their relationship with their partner improved after they talked openly about their reduced interest in sex.
As one said, "I explained that I still loved him and felt the same (or more strongly) about him, but I just couldn't show that through initiating sex...I have no desire for self-pleasure either. Explaining that sure made a difference to his acceptance of my state!"
Another reported, "What helped my husband most was understanding that the lack of sex was nothing that was his fault, but just a manifestation of my illness." Others reported that they benefited from open communication in bed. One said, "I let him know if a certain position hurts and we change positions."
2) Alternative Activities, In Bed and Out
Another very common theme was adapting to illness by focusing on alternatives to conventional sex, both in bed and out. One person wrote, "The times I am not up to having intercourse, he knows I am usually up for some cuddling and happy to satisfy him another way."
Others wrote of alternatives to intercourse, for those who think that appropriate. "You don't have to have intercourse to be sexually connected...You can be satisfied by manual stimulation and also oral sex."
Others have found other ways to express their affection, through hugging, kissing, and holding hands, through words of appreciation and thoughtful acts, and through shared activities like going out for dinner together, watching a favorite TV program or giving one another a massage.
One said, "He rubs my back and I rub his feet. We hug and share a kiss here and there...I make sure he knows how much I appreciate what he does for me." Another wrote, "We still hug, kiss and say ‘I love you' lots. I feel we have a very strong and healthy relationship apart from the lack of sex."
3) Planning
Another common adaptation is planning for sex. Several people mentioned taking extra rest or reducing their activity level on days they anticipated having sex. And a number said they and their partners plan "dates."
One said, "What my husband and I have learned is that we need to schedule a ‘date'. I actually put it on my calendar." Another said, "The ‘date' planning has worked for me because I tend to do less of the things that I know will cause me residual pain."
Another couple is increasing the frequency of sex through making a commitment to having sex once a week. The wife reported that sex is becoming less painful and her husband "is much more cheerful and doing more around the house."
4) Flexibility and Experimentation
Given the often unpredictable course of CFS and FM, it helps to be flexible about when sex occurs and what positions and activities are involved. One person said, "We've experimented with timing (morning is best), position (I seem to do best on my side) and lubricants."
Others use observation as a basis for experimentation. One person wrote, "I noticed that in the summer I had more desire and realized it had to do with the heat, so we started to shower together."
5) Treating Pain and Hormone Problems
Several people reported that their sex lives improved after treatment of pain and hormone problems. Pain or the anticipation of pain can be a powerful inhibitor of physical pleasure.
People reported treating pain by the use of pain pills, topical ointments, massage and heat. They also report getting around pain by changing positions.
Several also commented on how their interest in sex had improved with hormone treatment, either estrogen, testosterone or both. One said that testing showed that both her estrogen and testosterone levels were low. Treatment of the latter "not only helped libido, but my energy level as well." Hormone problems can also affect men.
6) Emphasis on Caring
A number of people distinguished between intimacy and sex, and said they and their partners focused on closeness and mutual caring.
One wrote, "Sex is important in a relationship, but I don't feel that it is the most important. I think all of the little everyday things that we do for each other and being supportive of each other is what really makes a marriage."
Another said, "My husband and I have found we don't NEED to express our affection sexually...For us, sex does not compare to the kind of fulfillment which is a beautiful thing when shared between two people who are filled with warm, tender, loving feelings toward each other."
She wrote of expressing affection through problem solving, sharing time together, touching, caressing, and cuddling.
In Conclusion
For those couples wanting to continue sex, experimentation, good communication and flexibility are crucial. For those who decide that sex will no longer be a part of their relationship, a focus on other aspects of the relationship can foster closeness and caring.
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